Sort Of
by Prefer2BAnonymous
Summary: Buffy and Faith one - shot based on Ingrid Michaelson song....


_**A/N – Written from Buffy's POV. Song is "Sort of" by Ingrid Michaelson, check it out it's amazing. Don't own the characters just the thoughts in my head! **_

It's like ok I have been fighting demons and the overall shit of the universe for over 10 years now right? I'm good at what I do, in fact I kick ass. You give me a job and I do it, no questions just a few complaints and maybe some high quality punning but boom it's done.

But it's those internal demons, little bastards…they are the ones who haunt me. The ones who make me want to do things or say things that should probably stay in my head, especially….I mean especially when it comes to her.

I won't lie to you…I'm not as straight laced…no pun intended…as I put on. I have always thought maybe stick shift wasn't for me, but society and god told me to ignore it. However, after dying a couple times and surfacing back to the front of humanity I don't care what scripture may or may not say…I am who I am.

_**Baby you've got the **__**Sort Of**__** hands to rip me apart…**_

It was so much easier when we were enemies; I knew what to do and who to fight. But now? Ha, now I can hardly take a breath when we are in the same room. When did life become this fucking complicated? Oh wait I remember.

_**And baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart…**_

Couple hours after the collapse of Sunnydale, my whole body was humming…like a bumble bee or something. I could feel the blood coursing through my veins awaiting a release…well what release I decided to find. She would probably be surprised to hear me talk like this, hell anyone would. But you see it truly is who I am, what I have always wanted to be. I fall in love with the person not what he or she is packing.

I was sitting on the edge of the roof looking at the stars…yea I do that when I have the chance…which isn't very often. Anyways point being I snuck up a bottle of red wine from the stock downstairs at Angels…he is another story definitely not for tonight. Anyways I figured I would sip a little, take in the day and finally come to some sort of conclusion I needed and hell deserved. Just a little alone time to reflect and review the course of events that were, the people lost and the future that was to come…key word being alone.

But she always finds me when I am in the corner trying to avoid the crowd, it's like she can feel me in the midst of an army…wait she probably can…damn slayer bond. Did you know she can be like a mile away and the hair on my neck will stand straight up? She didn't say anything, didn't have to as she approached my side taking a seat next to me on the edge looking at the people scurrying below on the street. She lights me a cigarette as I pass her bottle, we wouldn't tell anyone but she can read my thoughts and I can read hers….we always could which is why the past is so hard for us to overcome. She knows this whether she would ever tell me or not but when we look at each other especially now I can feel the rhythm of our hearts synchronizing.

As I take a drag I think about how far we have come in the last few year, going from hating her to loving again….I mean liking her…shit please don't tell anyone I said that. Anyway she nudges me with her shoulder as she sets the bottle down in between us.

"So…big bad is squashed…any pearls of wisdom to impart" she asks her smirk evident in her speech

"_What good to us is a long life if it is difficult and barren of joys, and if it is so full of misery that we can only welcome death as a deliverer?" _I reply never breaking my focus on the night sky

She chokes on the smoke she just inhaled a bit, "What?" she scoffs

"It's Freud" I reply as I again press the cigarette to my own lips, "ya know big psycho science guy…"

"Yea the sex guy I know" she laughs

"So refined you are"

"Whatever B, you love me"

"I do…I really do"

The silence after my statement resounds through the busy city…but I don't stutter don't falter. What's the point of lying at this point, what good will come from it?

"You're not serious" she says as she flicks her cig off the roof, it's gliding through the air to try and find the sidewalk below.

"How would you know?" I won't back down

"Cause…people especially people like you can't and won't"

"Bullshit…it is what it is"

"Since when did you become all knowing?"

"Since I ended the world as we know it" I laugh

"So what does it mean? The quote?" she asks

"That we spend too much time fighting against each other instead of making out I think"

"Hmmm…probably right"

"Yea, well I am all knowing" I wink at her

"So what's next?" she smiles flashing those dimples.

We sat on that concrete edge until the early hours of the morning talking about everything and anything. I have never opened up to someone like that and I'm pretty sure she hasn't either, but it wasn't awkward or confusing it was honest…something I think we have both been looking for. I told her all the things I have been thinking about over the years about me and about us, come to find out she felt the same way. Well one bottle lead to another which led to some heated debates and finally some innocent sparing on the rooftop. She has always been an equal to me someone easy to fight but difficult to beat. After round after round we kinda collapsed on the tarred roof top only to watch the sun rise over the city of angels. Nothing compares to that night, the connection we shared on so many levels and no I didn't sleep with her you pervs….that came later.

A week was spent like this talking, drinking, sparing, we did it all and we did it together. The rest of the gang were too wrapped up in post apocalyptic plans to notice us running to the nearest exit and down to find fun around Los Angeles. That week was amazing and no I wouldn't trade the ending.

_**But your eyes are warning me this early morning **__**  
**_

I guess no matter what connection you have with someone, it doesn't mean everlasting joy. She left the next weekend on a plane to Boston, said she had some old business to take care of, "people to do places to see"…and here I thought she might hang out for awhile….stay with me…I mean us.

I drove her to the airport wouldn't allow anyone to come with us, I needed to tell her how I felt how I have always felt. As we navigated through the city though my resolved faded into the smug ridden environment around us and by the time we hit LAX I totally chickened out.

We stood on the curb for a moment as sea of people moved around us. The security guy was yelling about me being parked but I didn't care. Moving quickly I pulled her into a tight embrace finding our bodies seemed to fit perfectly together.

"You could stay"

"But I won't"

"Even if I want you to, I really need you"

"You don't need me B, not yet, plus I will see you again this isn't over" I can feel her smile

"Tell me something…do you feel _this_, does it mean anything to you?"

"You will always mean something to me" she turns out of my embrace picking up her bag from the ground below. She turns back locking eyes with mine, it's like I can see everything in those eyes a whole world I will never get to live in and it pisses me off. She closes the distance between us and does something I have only been able to dream about. She pushes her lips to mine and instantly a surge of heat and passion runs through my body and hers I assume as well. I find myself moving my hand to her neck pulling her deeper into my body. What seems like a lifetime only lasts a few moments as she pulls back much to my disappointment. "Always…" she leans in for one sweet kiss to my check and I feel a tear start to fall down the same path. She turns and walks away and I'm left their memorized by the still stinging pleasure on my lips. I bring my finger up to run along my skin as if I'm trying to glue the sensation down.

That was three years ago…three fricken years.

_**That my love's too big for you my love**_

Now I know you're probably wondering about my comment earlier…come on I told you we slept together don't act like you're not picturing our hot bodies pressed together doing things unspeakable…again I stand by my perv label. But don't worry I'm gonna tell you how and why, we just may leave out some details can't have my image ruined ya know?

Six months after she left me standing on the curb changed both our lives dramatically. Turns out Giles had set up some slayer like facility in Boston and Faith went to get it off the ground. They had set it up pretty fast but I heard nothing but good reports on my end. I started work with Giles on a new council he flew back and forth to England and San Francisco every week where I started a new facility as well. Faith and I spoke every night and sometimes during the day too. Daytime was mostly reserved for business while our nightly conversations resembled more long distance relationship 101.

I'm very grateful to my friends because they have done so many things for me, but I never told anyone about Faith, the phone calls, the feelings, the kiss, all of it stayed with me. It wasn't embarrassment or anything like that I just wanted something pure…if you can call her that haha…to myself, something that was only mine, no judging eyes no confusion or explanations needed.

**So six months went by and Giles ordered a mandatory get together to discuss the development of the council and our slayer central facilities. We met in Spain because we also wanted to get a nice vacation out of it, Faith and my idea…yea no one can say no to us it's great. We headed to ****La Manga del Mar Menor one of the most beautiful spots in Spain at least to us. Faith and I were gonna fly together a day ahead of everyone so we booked flights that would take off from Boston so I could meet her. As soon as I stepped off my flight from San Fran my heart stopped when she stood at the jet way in her classic Faith pose and outfit. Hand on the hip of dark denim jeans with a red tank top showing her ever glowing skin and highlighting that hot tattoo. She had cut her hair a little shorter and lightened it even. We embraced immediately and shared a kiss similar to the one she had left me with that day months ago. ** **Then it was off to Spain for a week of fun in the sun oh yea and Giles…he occupied most of day time but once the sun went down Faith and I were out on the town or the beach or wherever. Again the gang was too busy with their own shit to notice me and Faithy. **

_**Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me …**_

That week was another best ones of my life, I saw my future or at least what it could be and of course it was our first time…told you I would get to the good stuff! Our last night we decided to have dinner at this fancy place on the beach down in the main part of town. Faith went all out even adorned dressy clothes, not a dress but I will her there. Anyways dinner was great, fun and romantic everything I could have asked for. Afterwards we decided to walk down the beach under the moonlight with our feet in the surf.

She takes my hand as we walk smiling that soft smile that I totally fell for when we were teenagers. Here it is my moment to tell her that she should stay or I should move to her, the moment we could make it official….

…and the next thing I know she is kissing me and I throw all my logic out the window. Maybe it was the atmosphere or the moonlight but in that moment I didn't want to talk I wanted to use my mouth for other things…many other things. We practically sprinted back up the beach to the my hotel room stopping in the elevator and then in the hallway to meet with our lips again.

_**And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me **_

I wasn't nervous with her or scared of the day after because I knew our bond can't be broken even if we went and screwed it up with sex. So clothes were lost in moments and we found each other over and over again taking time to show one another our true intentions. The whole night showed me truly what I had been missing and I know it showed her the same thing, but then came the morning and…she was gone. Not like gone gone but she was back in her room before the gang came to wake me up for our last breakfast and meeting of the trip.

_**I find you stunning, but you are running me down **_

I watched her that day lead a discussion on a training approach she had developed at her facility in aw, but more than aw was sadness. Why couldn't it just be her and me, why does life complicate it all…wait did I ask that already? Probably.

_**My love's too big for you my love **__**  
**__**My love's too big for you my love**_

We spoke before our flights and I told her how much I wished we could stay another week or two but I never told her I could have stayed that way forever. I always chicken out on shit like that, can never tell anyone exactly how I feel when it comes to love. I hope she knew that day was the beginning for me, the moment I knew that if I ever did settle down it was her I wanted to be with. I kept telling myself the whole plane ride home that I wasn't ready, that she wasn't either. _**  
**_

_**And if I was stronger than I would tell you no **__**  
**__**And if I was stronger then I will leave this show **__**  
**__**And if I was stronger then I would up and go **__**  
**__**But here I am and here we go again**_

Another year went by before we got to see each other, a whole damn year that made me miserable and broody, hey I learned from the best. I was happy at work but only when memos or phone calls came across my desk from her. She left Boston after a year, Kennedy and Willow took over while she flew around the world mentoring fallen slayers or those on the brink.

I on the other hand became a president like figure in the Council Giles and I had set up. My days were crammed with meet and greets with families and slayers in addition to funders and other council members. My biggest project was Summer's University, a specialized training and education program for slayers. I set 5 up around the world including two in the U.S., yea you know in my spare time.

Anyway our paths crossed at least once a week on the phone or sometimes twice with an email, but it wasn't the same anymore, everything had changed. I kept going back to that night on the beach or the morning after, if I had just told her what I felt maybe just maybe things could have been perfect, like they were in my dreams.

_**Baby you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales **__**  
**__**That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales**_

_**That you don't need me, but you won't leave me **_

Finally on the second anniversary of the fall of Sunnydale Giles planned a big party in New York. I RSVP'd willingly after a call to see if she was coming, she told me she wouldn't miss me for the world, always the smooth talker. I met her at the airport awaiting just her presence, her scent and of course her touch.

Went our eyes meet I can feel my heart jump into my throat, just her eyes send my head spinning, and it's actually what I fell in love with first. Her half smile as she walks towards me mouth the word "hey" tells me she has missed me just as much as I have missed her.

The party was great but our rendezvous was even better. She took me to the Empire State building at sunset and kissed me just as the sun went down over the city that never sleeps. We slept together for the whole week we were there and this time she didn't leave before the sun came up.

_**  
**__**My love's too big for you my love **__**  
**__**My love's too big for you my love**_

It was like my entire life had become about one week with her much to my enjoyment and my downfall as well. We were so busy but yet I would have quit it all if she asked me too, why didn't she just ask me to?

_**And if I was stronger then I would tell you no **_  
_**And if I was stronger then I will leave this show **_  
_**And if I was stronger then I would up and go **_  
_**But here I am and here we go again**_

We spent another few months apart before our tryst came to a sickening halt one night in Rome.  
We had just finished some meet and greets with a group of potential watchers and were heading back to the hotel hand in hand. She suggested dinner but I was in the mood for something else and I simply ignored her comments and protest as I reached for the buttons on her shirt.

Pushing me back gently she asked the question I had hoped would never escape her lips.

"Is this all we are?"

"What?"

"This, screwing in random hotel rooms around the world, is that all we are?"

"Don't forget random beaches around the world too" I tried to keep it light…

"I'm serious B"…it didn't work. "I don't want to be the chick you bang once or twice a year anymore"

"We do more than just bang Faith"

"Really, what do we do that resembles a normal intimate relationship"

"We talk too…"

"Yea either about business or where we can meet every few months or so…this isn't…."

"It isn't what?"

"It isn't healthy B"

_**Tell me what to do to take away the you**_

"I think about you all the time" I confess in a whisper "About where you are, what you're doing, and how it could be if I were…if I were strong enough to tell you how I feel…"

"Tell me now"

And again I hesitate, why do I do that? She looks at me with defeat in her eyes as she sighs and shakes her head. She picks up her bag and starts for the door and I'm frozen in the spot I have settled into on the bed. I just watch her go and once again my ego and fucked up mind has caused her to leave me again just like all those years ago when I practically pushed her into the arms of our enemy. Like I said it was easier when I could just punch her but instead I love her and now I can't even tell her.

_**And if I was stronger then I would tell you no. **_  
_**And if I was stronger then I will leave this show **_  
_**And if I was stronger then I would up and go **_

Someone once told me that life is all about second chances, don't know who it was maybe I heard it in some movie, point is I'm still waiting for that chance with her. I sit alone in my house most nights staring at the moon and stars listening to a sappy love song. It's like the night sky knows all my secrets and thoughts, the comfort of familiarity does incredible things for a broken heart.

It was tonight though were the familiarity was overwhelming. I felt her as soon as she landed in San Francisco and the tingles got deeper and warmer as she drove up to my house. I hear the car door close but stay put in the chaise lounge. I haven't seen her in 2 years now and I don't think she wants me jumping into her arms like in some cheesy movie.

She sets her bag in the front hallway and proceeds to the back porch where I am. I sit up in the chair but I don't look back to meet her gaze. Instead I wait for her to make the first move, I'm not sure if she will but I am a coward so it's all on her. Then I feel her strong arms embrace me from the back and I lean back into her body taking in every inch of the sensations I feel. I wanna know why she came back but I don't want this to end…do I ask her or not…do I tell her…

"What can I say B I'm glutton for punishment" she always knows exactly what I'm thinking.

_**But here I am and here we go again**_

"I love you"

The End

_**Now you can press the green button and tell me how bad I suck or how cool I am, I prefer the latter. Thanks for reading! **_


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